For as long as I can remember, I have only been able to learn things by doing them. Reading took me only so far if what I was reading wasn’t immediately applicable; being told how to do something was usually fruitless without my own hands-on experience. It all seems a bit ironic being that I write columns but it would appear that writing, at least in my case, is a hands-on activity.
I know I have always been somewhat ADD and it has been detrimental throughout my life. If there was an ADD lifestyle, my house would be its epicenter. Unfinished projects, piles of things I have no idea what to do with and the feeling that nothing will ever get done properly all are part and parcel of “Life with Louise”. At jobs, it was practically my mantra to say, “Oops, I forgot” or, “Sorry, I didn’t understand that” and have to correct whatever I had done. It always seemed that I would hear “Do A, B, C” but my brain only understood “Do A".
One of the most frustrating things about this “quirk” or whatever one might call it is the inability to complete requested tasks or, if attempting to complete them, screwing them up. It has cost me trust from employers and has probably cost me more than one job early in my working life. I learned to compensate for most of the shortcomings. I take notes, I ask questions, sometimes repeatedly and I talk to myself. I still make mistakes but I am better at fixing them in my old age than I was even 20 years ago.
All of this came to (a brighter) light recently because of a couple of things. First, I have been screwing up royally at my job and it’s a job that should be second nature to me. The stress of recent catastrophic events has caused me to lose all control over what little I had control over. I am simply not thinking carefully and doing my routines of compensation. This has resulted in making blunders and pissing people off, including myself.
The second event came in the form of a package from my youngest sister. It contained, among other things, a second grade report card. My mother was always relating to me stories about her parent-teacher conferences about me and claimed they all said the same thing, from first grade to sixth: I was a “delightful and very bright child” but had “difficulty paying attention and following directions. On the second grade report card were many “S’s”, several “E’s” but a couple of “U’s” in the “work habits” categories of Understands and Follows Directions and Uses Time Wisely. To quote Mrs. Beck; “ Louise has shown progress in her work. This might not have taken place, however, if I hadn’t spent time with her individually. This is evident in two ways: either she has no idea of what my directions were or she begins incorrectly.”
I remember the principal of my middle school calling my parents because, much to his surprise, I had scored highly on my eighth grade IQ test. I was such a poor student in most classes, the score shocked him as well as most of my teachers (apparently the score was quite the teacher’s lounge topic). The downside of doing well on that test was that expectations became greater for me, but nothing really changed. I still sat in classes feeling like I was hearing a foreign language. I did well in English and Art and struggled every place else. By high school, I was completely discouraged. Apparently, so were the guidance counselors and teachers. Back then, SATs weren’t such a necessity and those who were deemed worthy were notified. I was sent to “vocational testing” instead.
Interestingly, had these things been made aware of today, I would have been labeled and possibly put in a special education setting for at least a couple of years. But I went to school in the 50’s, 60’s and 70’s and then you were either smart, stupid or average. I was “smart, but she doesn’t apply herself”. No one got it, including me. And maybe Mrs. Beck.
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